How NOT to Write a "Summer Hit"

As someone who will willingly admit to loving some absolutely terrible pop, rave and dance music (the dirty corner of my eclectic music taste), it takes quite a bit to really make me turn off a radio station or question what the hell was being thought when a song was written. We know I love Britney ("seeking" Amy or womanizer, womanizer, womanizer, anyone??). We know I love some Lady Gaga (especially songs about poker and disco sticks). We know that I love various PCD songs about dirty vaginas...But sometimes a level of absolute stupidity comes along when a single is released...and for some reason, that song absolutely blows up the charts.

Perfect case in point: LFO's "Summer Girls."

Every year at this time, this 1999 summer hit gets resurrected on the airwaves, in the malls, in public places where I never have headphones. And it wasn't until a recent close listen that I really began to question why this song could have been so popular. It's lyrics are so incredibly vapid and materialistic that I'm convinced it was written as a ploy to get some cash from Abercrombie & Fitch.

And so begins...the "Summer Girls" breakdown...

"Summer Girls" -- LFO
Note: I will not be providing a link to this song and/or video as I'm not going to be responsible for making you listen to it again. No one should have to.

"Yeah, I like it when the girls stop by...In the summer."

Something tells me that they wouldn't like it when the girls stop by in the winter. They're too covered up...wearing parkas and scarves and such.

"Do you remember? Do you remember? When we met that summer..."

No. No I don't. This song was released in 1999 when I was 13 years old. I can't remember as I'm now almost 23 and have forgotten everything that happened ten years ago. I'm just so old and ancient now. I don't remember. Or I wish I didn't remember (especially how lame I was at 13)

"New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits."

Yes. Yes they did. A bunch of hits. Something LFO never had. Especially after a similar song titled "Girl on TV." After that, they just fizzled out. They never got the NKotB reunion that's still ongoing from last summer and just needs to stop. Now. For real.

And it's not like they even age all that well. Case in point:
The New Kids on the Block did not get better looking as they aged (like David Boreanaz -- didn't get his appeal on "Buffy" but now totally get it on "Bones")...and their fans haven't gotten younger . They've simply grown up with them. But alas, this isn't a rant about NKotB (still love "The Right Stuff"...).

"Chinese food makes me sick."

Um. Seriously? Seriously? We're going to discuss how Chinese food makes you sick? And please. With Chinese food...it's not headaches or leg cramps. It's total gas and bloating and poop issues. So you know...the reason why she probably doesn't remember "that summer" is because you were the guy with IBS. Either that...or reminding her that Chinese food makes you shit is going to trigger some really romantic memory. Congrats. You've officially disgusted us all.

"And I think its fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer."

You know what I think is fly? The Sounds. Sarah Dessen's latest novel. Fringe. The resurrection of Joshua Jackson's career. The Hangover. Diet Coke. Regular Pepsi. My Nintendo DS. English Breakfast Tea. British boys. London. Travelling Europe. My Ford Focus. Britney Spears. The X-Files. Jason Segel. How I Met Your Mother. Strawberries.

Not girls stopping by for the summer.

"I like girls that wear Abercrombie & Fitch

."

Apparently, so do they...Girls who wear Abercrombie & Fitch...and threesomes.

I can safely say that I've never worn a piece of Abercrombie & Fitch in my life. So it's proof that that this blatant product placement didn't work on me. Thankfully I realized that I did not need to find a boyfriend who was more concerned with the brand of clothes I was wearing. And if he was worried about that...then I'd be worried about him.

"I'd take her if I had one wish."

He wouldn't date her...he'd "take" her. As in kidnap. Or Harlequin Romance boddice ripping animal romp with her. If this girl is as stupid as she sounds, however, she'd probably totally be into being "taken."

Oh God...Oh God...is he supposed to be NAKED in that? Oh God. Oh God. Look how hairy his legs are...that's just FANTASTICCCCCCCCC.

"But shes been gone since that summer, since that summer."

Something tells me the Chinese food incident scared her away. Far, far away.

"Hip-hop mama laid spic & span."

Hip hop mogul by day...secret office cleaner by night!!

"Met you one summer and it all began."

And now we have to hear about it forever and ever and ever.

"You're the best girl that I ever did see. The great Larry Bird, jersey 33."

So begins the series of phrases that are so incredibly random for the sake of rhyming. For example, here's a random rhyme that doesn't make sense from line 1 to 2: I have never been to Prague, Do you own a tap dancing dog? OR I once lived in London, My dad owns a whole bunch of guns. Do you see what I mean? It's like he has sporadic, random thoughts. And I bet that Larry Bird hates being mentioned in this song.

"When you take a sip, you buzz like a hornet. Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole bunch of sonnets."

The juxtoposition here just amazes me. But let's split those lines up, shall we?

First of all...what the hell is she drinking that makes her buzz like a hornet? I can safely say I've never had a drink and then pretended to flutter about and act like a bee. Maybe I've done some stupid things inebriated...but this is totally not one of them.

Secondly...BILLY Shakespeare wrote a whole "bunch" of sonnets. How many? Why a "bunch" of course. And I'm sure that good old Bill loves being included in such a beautiful song...someone who is so closely studied today and is a member of Literature and Poetry canons everywhere probably loves his position in this song the most of them all. Please.

"Call me Willy Whistle cause I can't speak baby."

Um...Willy Whistle? He can't speak...but he can tell you to call him Willy Whistle...something that some guy would probably love to christen his penis. Unless his name is really Willy Whistle...which is just unfortunate.

Oh God...and don't Google Image the phrase "willy whistle" because you will get nothing but pictures of whistles in the shapes of penises. *Covers Face* I should have known better than to Google that.

"Somethin' in your eyes went and drove me crazy."

I'll bet this song went and drove her crazy. That's why she left your ass.

"Now I cant forget you and it makes me mad. Left one day and never came back."

Um. Is anyone else starting to realize how stalkerish this song sounds? Like this girl didn't even know that this guy existed and he used to sit outside in her bushes until she found out one day and got a restraining order...or had to join the witness protection program? Which is terrifying. Because we know all about this guy and how he operates. He's a psycho pervert who digs girls in Abercrombie, writes bad lines, named his penis Willy Whistle, all because his OCD hip hop mogul mother used to abuse him. But never fear ladies...he does have a weakness...CHINESE FOOD!

"Stayed all summer then went back home. McCaullay Culkin was in Home Alone."

My dad LOVES "Home Alone." We always have to watch it when it's on TV. I much prefer in Culkin in "Saved." That's a fantastic movie.

"Fell deep in love, but now we ain't speakin."

I'm beginning to think that there's a very good reason for that.

"Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton."

Oh that's a fantastic screen cap. Heh

And has anyone noticed that we aren't even through the first verse yet? Good God.

"When I met you I said my name was Rich."

But I thought you said your name was Willy Whistle!!! God. Does this guy have multiple personalities too?

"You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch."

Ummmmmmmm...look at this fantastic store front for A&F!!!

Now open for business...that guy's crotch!

Talk about an awkward bulge placement...

"New Kids on the Block had a bunch of hits. Chinese food makes me sick."

I bet that the New Kids hate being in this song...unless it made them relevent for the first time since the early 90s again...and this song is making me sick.

"And I think its fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer."

More things that I think are "fly": Pandora.com. The Metric. Google. Loud music. Casinos. Lottery tickets. Winning cash. Good Italitan Food. Thai Me Up. Pittsburgh. Q-Tips. Metallic and obnoxious nail polish. Lego Batman and Indiana Jones DS games. My purse. Megan McCafferty's Jessica Darling series. Jenna Jameson's autobiography. Russell Brand. Accents.

"I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch."

How terrifying is this girl???

"I'd take her if I had one wish."

Heh. Heh. Heh.

Didn't Fabio get hit in the face by a bird on a roller coaster???

"But shes been gone since that summer, since that summer."

Yes. WE KNOW.

"Cherry Pez, Coke, crush rock, stud boogie."

Okay. So he gave up on the lame rhymes...and now is going to list the first five objects that come to mind. I can do that too. Clock. Banana. Crime fighter. Rocketship. Toe. Do I win?

"Used to hate school, so I had to play hookie."

...Stalking is such hard work. You have to sleep at SOME point.

"Always been hip to the b-boy style. Known to act wild and make a girl smile."

No way is he a b-boy. I watch SYTYCD. I know what a b-boy looks like. He's not one.

And I bet that the smile she's giving is one that's awkward and uncomfortable. Especially after eating Chinese food.

"Love New Edition and the candy girl."

Um...bet New Edition felt like NKotB being mentioned in this song.

And "the candy girl." Starts to sound cannibalistic...and he better watch out. If he thinks that Chinese food will make him sick...I'm sure eating his loved one won't help matters.

"Remind me of you because you rock my world."

The phrase "rock my world" has always seemed extremely cheesy to me for some reason. Then again...things used to "rock my socks." So I guess I'm not much more advanced.

"You come from Georgia where the peaches grow. They drink lemonade and speak real slow."

First of all, peaches do not only grow in Georgia. California and South Carolina are also huge producers of peaches in the United States (thanks Wikipedia!!).

Secondly...my friend Mari lives in and grew up in Georgia. She does not talk real slow. I've been to Georgia. The people there seem to talk the regular speed.

And finally...I drink lemonade, so that's another thing that's not just for Georgians, thank you.

So in conclusion...I doubt my friend Mari would be very happy to be labeled as a Georgian who talks slow and is one of the few who's ever had the opportunity to drink lemonade. Georgia isn't Pluto. ((Although New Jersey comes close))

"You love hip-hop and rock & roll."

Great. Buy a Linkin Park or 3OH3! CD!!

"Dad took off when you were 4 years old."

Um. So this line rhymes with the hip hop/rock and roll line. And if they think that somehow hip hop and rock and roll make her feel better about that...unless her dad was a hip hop/rock and roll artist. Which means that she probably wouldn't like that music very much because it would remind her of him. But yeah. Why is such a downer line in such a "fun" summer song?

"There was a good man named Paul Revere. I feel much better baby when you're near."

THIS rhyme is my favorite of the entire song. One second we get to hear all about how great Paul Revere is...and all I can think is, "Why do you think that?" But I never get the answer...because instead of telling me why, I hear all about how the girl makes him feel better when she's near.

PS: Doesn't Paul Revere look like Jack Black in that painting?

"You love Fun Dip and Cherry Coke."

Work two summers in a concession stand. You won't love Fun Dip OR Cherry Coke very much by the end of it. You also won't like the kids who come up with seven cents and ask what they can buy for that. Or the ones who want to purchase three hundred Tootsie Rolls.

"I like the way you laugh when I tell a joke. When I met you I said my name was Rich. You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch."
Good God. This song is long.

"New kids on the block had a bunch of hits. Chinese food makes me sick. And I think its fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer."

More things I like: Not this song. It's way too fucking long. Headphones. iMacs. Fun music videos. Naps. The Pixies' "Where Is My Mind?" Fight Club. Brad Pitt pre-Angelina Jolie. Facebook. Pull off tickets. Flip-flops. English classes. Fun beats. Dance. Showers. My massive DVD collection. My cell phone (sometimes). Nip/Tuck. Fun jewelry. The beach. Pennsylvania.

"I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch."

At least...I THINK that's a girl...

"I'd take her if I had one wish."

Nice boots. These covers are ridiculous. I love it when I see people reading them in public. I always feel embarassed for them...since they obviously aren't. I'll do the work for them.

"But she's been gone since that summer, since that summer. In the summertime, girls got it goin on. Shake and wiggle to a hip-hop song."

Oh...the Wiggles. How creepy you guys are...

My brain is seriously shutting down. I have started running out of witty things to say...

"Summertime girls are the kind I like. I'll steal your honey like I stole your bike."

Okay. So not only is he a stalker...he's a thief too. Maybe he knows the assholes who stole my iPod...

"Boogaloo, shrimp and pogo sticks."

Braindead. Donkey ass. Cake maker.

"My mind takes me back there oh so quick."

I really am starting to wish that it wouldn't...

"Let you off the hook like my man Mr. Limpit."

...I thought you were busy playing hooky?? Suddenly you're in school. In out in out...make up your fucking mind. Stop doing this for the sake of rhyming!!!

"Think about that summer and I bug cause I miss it."

According to urbandictionary.com...the "bug" listed above means pester. Don't you think that pester would have been a much better choice for this line? It would have made it sound English. "Think about that summer and I pester cause I miss it." Heh God. It makes about as much sense as the real line.

"Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese."

I LOVE macaroni and cheese...but have not had it in what feels like AGES. Kraft is the best (unless it's the homemade stuff that my mom makes). That stuff is FANTASTIC.

And you know what they say about guys and purple...

"Ruby red slippers and a bunch of trees."

Oh Good God. First purple...now ruby red slippers.

And before...the line scheme went Line A = Stupid fact about something he likes and/or random words. Line B = Something stupid about the girl. Now we aren't even following that. Now it's just two lines of the most random shit ever. Purple. Macaroni and cheese. Slippers. Bunch of trees.

I mean, he does discuss how Chinese food makes him feel. So why not go for a line like...

"Like the color purple, macaroni and cheese. Thinking about you really makes me sneeze."

That'd probably be too much of an improvement.

"Call you up, but what's the use?"

Defeatest. Unless what's preventing you from calling is that huge restraining order...

"I like Kevin Bacon, but I hate Footloose."

Lucky you!!! Because it's being remade with Chase Crawford in Bacon's shoes. Maybe he'll appeal to you more in the remake than Bacon did.

"You came in the door, I said it before. I think I'm over you, but I'm really not sure."

See. This is where the song gets hypocritical. She just "disappeared" one day. Why is she appearing at his door then? And I thought he loved her. So now she comes to see him, but he's over her. I just don't fucking get it. This song is such a mishmash of random words from the English language. And there's this vague storyline about summer girls. And how he loved one...probably even stalked her...or at the very least told her to call him Willy Whistle. And now...now he wants her gone. I don't get it.

"When I met you I said my name was Rich."

Go fuck yourself, Rich.

"You look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch."

Erm...You know what they say about band camp...

You know. From here on in...the song repeats itself. Over. And over. And honestly. Am I ever going to top that last photo??

The verdict: I can't even FINISH breaking this song apart for its stupidity. I've been at it for TWO hours and all I am now is completely exhausted, pissed off, and slightly amused.

I'm off to stimulate my brain and hopefully reincarnate some of the brain cells I just lost.

Thank you.

And electric bugaloo shampoo your mom.

Yeah. I said it.